Lowering the Barr

April 1, 2019

Attorney General William ‘Bill’ Barr has reportedly qualified his initial vow to release the entire Mueller Report yet again. After adding some more items on Saturday to his list of bits to redact, there are now indications that it may not be possible to release anything. The problem? There is no Mueller Report. His was the only copy, and all related electronic records were permanently deleted as a security precaution, according to a Washington insider close to the coverup.

Late Sunday night Barr tweeted an ominous sounding “uh-oh” to his official DoJ Twitter account. It immediately crashed the messaging platform as #Resisters and #MAGAs flooded the tweet with millions of replies simultaneously.

According to a Twitter source demanding anonymity, the effect was similar to a DoS or Denial of Service attack and the system just isn’t set up to handle several million real (i.e. human) replies all being posted in the same instant. When asked why not he told the Gazette, “because it never happens, duh.”

Lulzfeed is reporting that the Mueller Report may have been destroyed by Barr’s dog, Ivan. The Gazette has been unable to confirm their reporting on the Report. According to their report on the Report, a groggy sounding Barr answered their phone call just after midnight with “What? Who the fuck is calling me at this hour?” The call lasted several minutes as the two Lulzfeed reporters tag teamed Barr with a barrage of shouted questions about the extent of transparency he will provide, the exact date and time the Report will be available, whether or not the Report will be released on Kindle, and so on. According to the report, a recording of the call was made and analyzed by audio technicians at the online fake news outlet.

“What we heard was jaw-dropping. A female voice in the background was heard scolding ‘Ivan’ for being a ‘very bad boy’ who ‘should not eat things that Daddy brings home from work.'”

It has been previously reported that Barr has a dog named Ivan. It was a gift from Russian President Vladimir Putin that he received when he visited Moscow in October of 2016 to attend a Halloween party at the Kremlin. At the time only RT and Pravda reported on the visit, during which Barr was also awarded the Lavrentiy Pavlovich Beria Medal of Provokatsiya. It was a busy news week here and somehow the story just fell through the cracks at the time.

Questions remain concerning Lulzfeed‘s reporting. First, why didn’t Barr just hang up immediately like he always does whenever the Gazette calls him? Two, does he not have the option to switch his device to vibrate when he’s ready for bed? And three, why should we believe anything from an online publication jointly owned by Crown Prince Mohammed bin Salman and Jared Kushner? Journalism is not the core competency for either gentleman.

What it all means remains unclear. But if Barr’s dog really did eat the Mueller Report and there are no other copies or electronic backups, we may never know what information it contained. If that’s the case, we in the media, will have no alternative but to take Barr’s word for it that the Report contained absolutely no evidence that could, in any way whatsoever, reflect poorly on President Trump, his boss.

Photo: Barr’s dog, Ivan.

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