April 1, 2017
White House Press Secretary Sean Spicer unexpectedly resigned his post today to accept a position as a Comedy Writer on The Late Show with Stephen Colbert in New York, according to a voicemail he left for the Gazette early this morning. In a rambling and frequently disjointed written statement faxed to the Gazette, the White House announced that Sgt. Hans Schultz will be taking Spicer’s place as the President’s new Press Secretary and that Spicer didn’t resign at all, rather “he was fired! Sad!” It went on to dismiss the voicemail, which was widely reported by the mainstream media, as “fake news.”
According to sources who requested anonymity because they are in 12 Step programs, Sgt. Schultz was spotted at a table in Starbucks on Pennsylvania Avenue, located a block from his new White House office. He and several other Luftwaffe veterans are known to meet there for kaffee and chocolate bars every year on April 1st. Schultz reportedly appeared stunned when informed of the White House announcement.
When asked by a reporter what the President knew and when he knew it, Schultz replied, “I see nothing, I wasn’t here, I didn’t even wake up this morning!” Pressed to clarify what *the President* knew and when, Schultz rolled his eyes, furrowed his brow and inexplicably hollered, “Hogan! HO-GAN!!!”